Dear Ginge,

Please get out of my head!

There are so many things I want to say but cant find either the opportunity nor the bottle to just come right out and say it, probably easier to blog it, that may empty some of the noise in my head.

Ive no idea where to start, so I’ll just crack on

Firstly, Im not after a girlfriend nor a relationship, well I dont think so unless it was someone who completely blew me away and swept me off my feet, however that happened before with L and look where that ended up! That said though, I am seriously, seriously attracted to you, not just your looks but just how you are, your work ethic, the way you parent your kids, how you are when you’re playing out and drunk. For me you’re the whole package, BUT, would a relationship between us work? We would certanly look good together! Maybe in time but not at the moment, I think we both have too many scars for either  of us to enter into that. Plus relationships change people, they definitely change me, I become too self concious and lose that sparkle which is a part of my make up, my personality, part of me.

Those nights I spent with you and ghe following afternoon where quite possibly the happiest couple of days Ive had in a long tme. Part of me regrets not having sex with you, but part of me doesnt, I dont see you as a challenge, a trophy, or a notch on the bed post, I see you as you and to be honest when you likened yourself to Snow White the other day, that is probably how I see you. Im quite good at seeing other sides to people,  most in the pub will see you as a good time girl, always a laugh a smile and a joke and you’ve probably been asked out by 80% of the blokes in there, me included.

Thats enough of me banging on about you,  you need to hear where Im coming from, so I dont come across as a text pest or mitherer. As I said Im not after a relationship etc. I think deep down Im looking for more of those nights that we shared, as Ive said I am attracted to you, seriously attracted, to the point where I almost turn in to a jibbering wreck as soon as I see you. Im trying to turn it off but the more I see you the worse it gets, almost to the point of not wanting to see you, if that makes sense, but Im not interested in the “Good time Ginge” I’m interested in the Ginge that not many people know exists.

Ive been through some shit over the last 18 years, K was a sociopathic narcissist,  I was subjected to years of mental and physical domestic abuse and finzlly moved out with 2 bags of clothes, no personal possessions which took me months to get some, not all of them back. She lied to the mediator, lied to the Tax Man leaving me with a £3000 bill and another £1800 tax credits refund, that she’d had but I had to pay back. We had solicitors involved, shes removed my legal responsibility for my youngest lad so I have absolutely no rights over him whatsoever, she refused to let the boys see me on their own and has now poisoned them to the point they dont wish to see me. I mean for fuck sake they pnly live two miles away. They are both of the ages that they can make their own decisions, but when theyre being controlled as I was I can understand what they are being subjected to.

Ive been through absolute hell over the last two years, tears, breakdowns, anxiety, depression, even thought about ending it a few times, desperate lonliness, skint, taken advantage of, being used by people, lied to, you name it, Ive probably been through it in the last few years. Im still here, new job starting next week which means I’ll be busier, mind will be occupied, new challenges, new opportunities and financially stable. The thing I miss most are the kids, for fuck sake whilst she was brown nosing, or whatever else she was doing to her employers  (shower of bastards by the way) I did all the school runs, teas, washing, swimming, ironing,  shopping, cleaning all whilst trying to work aswell as she wanted me to earn more and more money. Then she, she, takes it all away, takes them away. How fucking dare she!

Anyway typed this a week ago and things have moved on for both us it seems. You with C and me with J. Had a bloody good weekend didn’t we with everyone out dancing and drinking and being generally very messy. I think our friendship became closer, but I realise that this is how I kniw want it, goid friends,  no awkwardness, just having the craic, best mates and all that!

Love you Ginge!!! You mad fucker xxx

“I Wanna Talk Tonight, Until the Morning Light”

“You and me see how we are, you and me see how we are”….Fooking love that song, one moody song!

Well no real developments on the Ginge front, although popped in the pub at lunch yesterday for a coffee after work and she was in, dud some tree felling for the land lady today, had a quick pint when I’d finished, blow me she came in. Cant complain as I do like to oggle at her, not in a weird way or anything but she is truly gorgeous but I’m starting to think that she’ll be starting to think Im stalking her. I did send a “Morning” text first thing that she’s not read. However, and I dont know why I do this to myself, gotba possible date with J over the weekend, now she does text back 😉

Ive become a bit of a bugger for morning texts, I’m sure I’m not the only person that likes them, but I love recieving them as it sets me up for the day. I always send a good morning to a selection of friends each day, I hope it makes their day, it certainly makes me feel better for being nice to others.

As I now live on my own and have done now for nearly two years its still difficult to adjust to waking up on your own in an empty house. After a 17 year relationship, you get used to that first thing in the morning and last thing at night interaction. Well I say that but the number of times I slept on the settee or the spare room during those would make for an intersting comparison to establish the ratio of nights actually spent in the same bed. I remember getting 3 days of the silent treatment coupled with bunking down on the settee because as the junior fixture secretary for the Rugby club we were both involved with, I couldnt get her team a fixture at short notice due to a late cancellation of the original fixture. There were loads of other stupid incidents that also lead to the same silent treatment. Thinking about it, I may do a whole blog about them.

Back to the texting thing anyway, I spent 17 years of tucking the kids in bed and tearing my hair out trying to get them out of it in time for school as they got older. Nonetheless there was always someone there first thing in the morning, that first interaction of the day, granted some mornings they could set your day off in the wrong way, but still, human interaction. Due to the nature of my work as a self employed sports coach, some days would see me in 3 or 4 different schools, straight in teach, straight out, no real interaction. Then back home to an empty house and at the time no real close friends to meet up with.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A TEXT.

I’d started using Plenty of Fish and Zoosk, the dating sites, think Ive mentioned it in previous posts, so wont bang on about it. Strangely I found it opened a whole world of new people, some fucking odd ones, but I did meet one lady A, with whom we both clicked, loads of texting, bit of flirting, went on a few dates, bit of a snog but no further. She got me into watching box sets throughout the winter months, Game of Thrones and a couple of others. Just the time spent talking through text meant so much at the time, someone cared, someone thought about you first thing in the morning, throughout the day and before bed.

A, eventually met someone else as I wasn’t  ready for anything heavy, so I spent a while finding other people to talk to through said dating sites. To be fair I probably never wanted to meet most of them, but it was still company, cyber company, but still company!

A, popped back up in the new year as she was single again, we dated a couple of times, slept together once but that was that. She again met someone else, who messed her about so I became her shoulders to cry on, then out of the blue, blocked me from all media…strange bloody woman, but thank you anyway!

I suppose my message to anyone reading this going through something similiar, is never give up, yes times are shit, you may be lonely, you may even see no reason to carry on…yes, Ive been there…but there are people out there who will send that text, that will inspire you on to new things. (Just dont rely on my crush Ginge to send you one!) Ive met several really good friends on dating sites, it would never work as relationships, but friendships, hell yes, fuck sake we are all human, we all desire the same if not similiar goals in life.

I read a book recently, first one ive picked up in years, Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl, he was a Psychologist interned in concentration camps during the second world war. Its not a holocaust story,  but the story of, despite the atrocities, explaining how men and women adapted and survived physically but above all mentally throughout it all. The book contains many useful quotes and foresights but my favourite which really stood out is,

I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers.  The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.

Well it is, isnt it surely?

“Aloof” He Cried!

Well day 3, post number 4 and more likes and followers, thanks guys!

Developments from yesterday,  include a shit load of facebook comments from Ginge and a late night text followed by two today! My aloofness must be working, but to be honest I did go Facebook fishing last night. For those unfamiliar with FB fishing,  its basically throwing some bait in the pond and waiting for a bite. Simply put, whack a post on that you will hopefully have seen by your intended prey, when they reply, its time to strike and hopefully land a good un!

So last night I whacked a post on about the new series of Prison Break knowing that Ginge is a big fan, wasnt long before the bite alarms went off and whack, fish on! Then there were lots of comments about the Little Boy Blue program, baited up the Facebook swim again, whack, fish on! Bit of online banter with some aloof groundbait added and wallop, a late night out of the blue text…BONUS!

So as always, I can’t resist an early morning “Good Morning” text, blow me got a couple of replies from ginge which were much more open than those in previous messages…this aloofness is starting to pay off me thinks, just need stay cool now.

Think my favourite moment from yesterday came from my neighbour Sophie, if I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I dated her sister (L) for 6 months. Anyway, Soph mentioned she’d had a text from L asking if she knew why Id blocked her Facebook,  Sophie said she had no idea but made the point it may be for the best. Course it is, you hurt me you dozy mare! From what I can gather L is a little upset that because I have blocked her on Facebook, Sophies post threads no longer make sense and are uneasy to follow. What the absolute Fuck? Are you serious,? It was ok to dump me and start sniffing round other blokes within days, but when it affects your sisters Facebook feed it becomes an issue. Sorry my sweet, me and the world dont work like that, I honestly sat there agog listening to that story last night, you couldnt make it up sometimes!

Last night was spent mainly texting, whilst perusing Ginges Facebook comments, to a lady from South Manchester,  I’ll call her J, great conversation, lots of humour and an exchange of numbers, I reckon it might lead to a date later this week if the conversation keeps up its steady flow.  See but then, this is where they anxiety kicks in, what do I do re Ginge,  do I remain aloof and let her do some more running after me, or do I date J? Or even both but then that leads into trouble, possible deceit and someone getting hurt, usually me in most cases and its not really my style.

You see, what I should do I suppose is just wait it out and see what comes of either, to be fair Ginge is the one I want, stunningly attractive, bit of a looney, but I like that, I dont need another mother do I. J looks a lot of fun and from her Whatsapp photo has a great set of pins on her.

I suppose I will have to just see what the rest of today brings.