The Return of the Ginge!!!

So, as of last week, I’d not posted for a while and in my returning post I had said that my little thing with the most gorgeous Ginge was no longer a viable love avenue, famous last words!!!

Nipped out early doors last Thursday, just for one as you do, got in bladdered at 11.30. It had been a great night, all the faces were in the pub and it was one of those nights where everyone just enjoyed each others company, Pool, beer, wine, women and song…and Ginge.

Since our last encounter, we have become good friends, always share hug and a kiss on the cheek when we meet and shes confided in me as to things which are troubling her and causing her much anxiety. As always I’m strictly confidential and very supportive,  offering financial and emotional support but never heavy and pushing my feelings on her. 

Anyway, I wobbled through my door late on Thursday only to get a text from her telling me she was home ok after I had previously text to ask if she was. Next I get a text asking … Cuddles? Followed by…Nothing more…Well whats a man to do? Tell you what…I stopped eating the Bolognaise sauce straight out of the slow cooker, I’d put it in earlier with a view to having a quiet night with a decent meal, threw a t shirt on and wobbled back off up the road to her house where I found the front door slightly ajar awaiting my arrival. Ginge was in bed, slightly worse for wear.

So politely I asked to get in, fought with the multiple layers of bedding (why cant people just have duvets?) and snuggled in recieving a huge hug in return. My heart melted, the butterflies circled my stomach like dragons, I was happy, I was content, I was in the place I most want to be in the whole world. We talked, neither of us want a relationship, both of us have issues with trusting others and cant remove the barriers to letting someone else into our hearts. 

The night drifted in to early morning, still we talked, we spooned, I traced her bare back with my finger tips, ever so slightly, teasingly along her spine to the nape of her neck across her shoulders, my fingers ran delicately through her hair and as we spooned I kissed her neck and shoulders, seductively but not sexually. She moaned lightly and squirmed and passed comment that I did everything she loved, we kissed, again not sexually nor with the intent for it to progress further. It was just so right, just so perfect, just what I want, what I need, what I yearn for.

We drifted to sleep with our bodies till entwined until the alarm call sounded, we stirred and held each other tighter, her leg draped over mine, her face snug to my neck. Oh how I wish I could wake every day like that,  it makes my heart burn just typing this, it is so what I want, she is so what I want.

I left for work, leaving her with a tender kiss and a spring in my step as I joyfully took to the “walk of shame” No shame in it for me and I hope no regrets from her. We saw each other the following day, nothing was said, just pleasantries as she drank her Rose wine at the bar dressed to the nines in a dress before going to a wedding function. I couldnt take my eyes off her, she glowed, radiant with copper red hair, deep red lip gloss that shimmered invitingly for me to kiss, heels that elongated her legs allowing her to strike a demure posture, jewellery on her wrists that dangled to her hands, those hands which I long to hold,  long to have in mine.

I thought back to our conversations of the night before, how we spoke of our fondness of each other and the potential, not of a relationship, but of friends with benefits,  my offer to take her out and spoil her, not make a fuss, but let her enjoy a night that she deserves for being a fantastic mum, a hard worker and a truly beautiful lady. Ive said before in other posts of how hard I find it to talk to her about this in depth,  she just takes my breath away, I have no words that can make this happen.

I listen to this song, over and over and over…its her, it is, she is my Perfect Storm.

https://youtu.be/inAj-sbwP7I

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The Tunnel of Love

Strange one the Tunnel of Love, the Fun Boy Three song just sparked my imagination. So answers on a postcard to the following questions.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

If there is, why?

Should a tunnel of love not be lit with with soft romantic mood lighting?

Is there an end to the tunnel of love? Surely the end of one would signify the end of a relationship?

If you do see light at the end should you rush towards it or rush away?

Quite amazing what your mind can concoct on a wet Thursday afternoon.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right….here I am stuck in the middle with ME!

Well its been a few months since my last blog, not sure why I stopped, but its time to relight the engine.

So the thing with Ginge didnt get much further, she started seeing another guy from the pub but binned him off after a few weeks, he’ s now doinking some other bird from the pub which has caused major ruptions cos he shagged her best mate first! The thing with J slowed up and ground to a halt as we just couldnt get to meet anytime, as with ginge we still talk so all is not lost. 

So update on the love life? No real love there, a bit of lust and flirtation with a former colleague, who is hot as fuck but has a handfull of kids and exisits in a sexless, loveless relationship. Does that make me a bad man?

I dont think so, everyone needs someone. Theres also an older widow who is very keen, lovely lady, we’ve done the deed, but there are that many nosey fuckers stirring rumours about us that it will just fizzle out as neither of us need the mither…should we be arsed about what others think?

Then theres best friend S (female) who has stupidly got engaged to the worlds dodgiest scouser, which ended up in a cat fight in the pub when the girl, who he apparently has nothing to with text him whilst S had his phone. There’ll be more on this one as it unfolds, but believe me there is no smoke without fire!

So me then, still not seen my kids, my mum has, my brother has, but I havent, eldest has a university offer available if he gets his A level results required and that bitch of an ex K seems to be haunting my dreams, honestly woken me up in cold sweats a few times. Is it right to hate someone as much as I do but still love her at the same time?

Social life, well I dont know, its improving but the core friendship group is crumbling and I find the whole thing over dramatic and under stimulating….its just dull to be fair…same faces, same pub, same, conversation,  same piss take,  smae hangovers.  Ive expanded,  started to play cricket,  so new group of friends, new challenge and new record for consecutive golden ducks whilst batting…still you see that on the telly too.

So I suppose Im just looking after me and me alone, to be honest I am the only one I can rely upon, nobody sticks their neck out for me, yet they expect me to do for them, sorry chaps, not happening, the cup is running on empty. 

So the plan is to move on, keep moving forward, keep improving, make something of myself, make my kids proud of what Ive become and be proud of what I have achieved in a relatively small space of time. 

I should be proud of mysel, all the ticks on the “Fridge of Destiny” have gone on in the last 3 months!

Anyone else have a fridge like this?

Why Cant I Wake With You?

So you’re there when i open my eyes.

Well Im back for another post after another alcohol fueled weekend. Some of it I can remember,  other bits are still being uploaded to Facebook for my amusement!

So, those following previous posts will know all about Ginge, fuck me she is gorgeous, but one fucked up individual and Im really struggling to get to see her on her own to explain my intentons. I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend, nor even I suppose a fuck buddy, more a best friend with cuddles and company.

Friday we were both out, plenty of chat, beer, game of pool, then she just pissed off with her mates about 11.45, again another chance gone. As usual…it was drunk text time! I really dont know why I do it to myself but I sent a ” I want to wake up with you” text. She never read it until sometime the following morning and never replied. I gave myself a bit of a bollocking and swore not to do it again…yeah right!

That was Friday,  I staggered home absolutely wankered, managed to get undressed and passed out on the bed waking up Saturday not actually remembering where I was….”Youre at home you massive nob!” I decided, once the hangover had started to clear to go to watch the local football team in their play off final. I’d not been to watch for years as K frowned upon football and if she didn’t like something it meant no one else was allowed to like it either!

The game was good and they won meaning they gain promotion to the next level. I suppose I could class it as another step to getting myself back together again and replacing/re-engaging with things I used to enjoy doing that I was stopped from doing over the years. It was good to do something different too, plus I bumped into a load of lads I used to play there with, a good afternoon all in all. However it wasnt the last of the days unexpected ” Ive not seen you for a bit”

Dropped the car at home afterwards and wandered up to the pub with no real intentions for the evening, just a case of see how it goes, plus I was feeling a bit rough so a hair of the dog was most certainly called for. Sophie came in fresh from the nail salon…”I need a word” Oh for fucks sake, when you get the nod from Sophie its probably akin to being summoned by the headmaster in front of a wholes school assembly!!!

The word was that L had dumped her latest boyfriend and was coming to the pub and wanted to know what my plans were for the evening.  “Well its like this, if shes coming out, Im not!” Woofed my second pint down, arranged to put the boxing on at my house later on and shot off to Bargain Booze for the evenings supplies and then to the Chinese for extra hangover curage. Whilst stood waiting for my order, nonchalantly staring through the window, who runs past but L, her knee has obviously got better then.

Now I dont dislike her, but she hurt me when she ended our relationship, made promises she didnt keep and was then dating within weeks of us splitting up…she called it a distraction tactic to take her mind off me….what a load of bollocks. Being honest my heart jumped a bit as I turned away to avoid any eye contact. Blow me just as my order hits the counter and Im about to leave the shop, she runs back past again, no fucking idea why, as its a circuit from her house. This time couldn’t avoid eye contact but I did move very slowly from the shop to allow her enough time to run far enough in front. Like I  say i dont really dislike her,  just dont want to see her.

I got home, in a much straighter line than the night before and chilled for the night, got the boxing on and waited for Dave and Sophie to arrive for the main event. Sophle turned up, totall wankered and Dave a few minutes later. Soon as Sophie sat down, her phone was going off..it was L with a couple of others, “Come back to the pub” This went on for quite a while, in the end she turned her phone off as it was getting ridculous.

We watched the fight and stayed up til the early hours putting the world to rights in our own way, we managed to get Sophie up and out of the door and I cimbed into  bed…BING…phone went off, I thought, oh that’ll be Sophie, to my total suprise and delight it wasn’t…it was Ginge!

Very unexpected indeed, asking if I was ok, said she’d only just read last nights text…..strange that as it was showing as read Saturday morning. I suppose I should find hope in the fact that at that time of night she was thinking of me and actually text me first rather than vice versa. A brief chat ensued, from what I’m picking up she has serious low self esteem issues and forms a very low opinion of herself. I tried to convince her that she was none of those things she said she was, she is definitely not a “Total twat bitch face” as she described herself. I retorted that she is a “Bloody good mum, damn hard worker, great personality, look fucking stunning and play hard, I mean whats wrong with any of that?” Anyway she nodded off after a few more texts.
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I really should give up on it, but every time I back off, she comes forward, I just want her to understand that I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend. Its obvious I cant talk to her in the pub as thats her place of work and play and she closes up, then I just clam up and cant come up with any meaningful conversation. I am literally lost for words she is that stunning in my eyes. I just want to get her on her own and explain, its doing my head in and anxiety is back up….FFS! I just need to switch her off in my head!

“I Wanna Talk Tonight, Until the Morning Light”

“You and me see how we are, you and me see how we are”….Fooking love that song, one moody song!

Well no real developments on the Ginge front, although popped in the pub at lunch yesterday for a coffee after work and she was in, dud some tree felling for the land lady today, had a quick pint when I’d finished, blow me she came in. Cant complain as I do like to oggle at her, not in a weird way or anything but she is truly gorgeous but I’m starting to think that she’ll be starting to think Im stalking her. I did send a “Morning” text first thing that she’s not read. However, and I dont know why I do this to myself, gotba possible date with J over the weekend, now she does text back 😉

Ive become a bit of a bugger for morning texts, I’m sure I’m not the only person that likes them, but I love recieving them as it sets me up for the day. I always send a good morning to a selection of friends each day, I hope it makes their day, it certainly makes me feel better for being nice to others.

As I now live on my own and have done now for nearly two years its still difficult to adjust to waking up on your own in an empty house. After a 17 year relationship, you get used to that first thing in the morning and last thing at night interaction. Well I say that but the number of times I slept on the settee or the spare room during those would make for an intersting comparison to establish the ratio of nights actually spent in the same bed. I remember getting 3 days of the silent treatment coupled with bunking down on the settee because as the junior fixture secretary for the Rugby club we were both involved with, I couldnt get her team a fixture at short notice due to a late cancellation of the original fixture. There were loads of other stupid incidents that also lead to the same silent treatment. Thinking about it, I may do a whole blog about them.

Back to the texting thing anyway, I spent 17 years of tucking the kids in bed and tearing my hair out trying to get them out of it in time for school as they got older. Nonetheless there was always someone there first thing in the morning, that first interaction of the day, granted some mornings they could set your day off in the wrong way, but still, human interaction. Due to the nature of my work as a self employed sports coach, some days would see me in 3 or 4 different schools, straight in teach, straight out, no real interaction. Then back home to an empty house and at the time no real close friends to meet up with.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A TEXT.

I’d started using Plenty of Fish and Zoosk, the dating sites, think Ive mentioned it in previous posts, so wont bang on about it. Strangely I found it opened a whole world of new people, some fucking odd ones, but I did meet one lady A, with whom we both clicked, loads of texting, bit of flirting, went on a few dates, bit of a snog but no further. She got me into watching box sets throughout the winter months, Game of Thrones and a couple of others. Just the time spent talking through text meant so much at the time, someone cared, someone thought about you first thing in the morning, throughout the day and before bed.

A, eventually met someone else as I wasn’t  ready for anything heavy, so I spent a while finding other people to talk to through said dating sites. To be fair I probably never wanted to meet most of them, but it was still company, cyber company, but still company!

A, popped back up in the new year as she was single again, we dated a couple of times, slept together once but that was that. She again met someone else, who messed her about so I became her shoulders to cry on, then out of the blue, blocked me from all media…strange bloody woman, but thank you anyway!

I suppose my message to anyone reading this going through something similiar, is never give up, yes times are shit, you may be lonely, you may even see no reason to carry on…yes, Ive been there…but there are people out there who will send that text, that will inspire you on to new things. (Just dont rely on my crush Ginge to send you one!) Ive met several really good friends on dating sites, it would never work as relationships, but friendships, hell yes, fuck sake we are all human, we all desire the same if not similiar goals in life.

I read a book recently, first one ive picked up in years, Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl, he was a Psychologist interned in concentration camps during the second world war. Its not a holocaust story,  but the story of, despite the atrocities, explaining how men and women adapted and survived physically but above all mentally throughout it all. The book contains many useful quotes and foresights but my favourite which really stood out is,

I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers.  The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.

Well it is, isnt it surely?

“Aloof” He Cried!

Well day 3, post number 4 and more likes and followers, thanks guys!

Developments from yesterday,  include a shit load of facebook comments from Ginge and a late night text followed by two today! My aloofness must be working, but to be honest I did go Facebook fishing last night. For those unfamiliar with FB fishing,  its basically throwing some bait in the pond and waiting for a bite. Simply put, whack a post on that you will hopefully have seen by your intended prey, when they reply, its time to strike and hopefully land a good un!

So last night I whacked a post on about the new series of Prison Break knowing that Ginge is a big fan, wasnt long before the bite alarms went off and whack, fish on! Then there were lots of comments about the Little Boy Blue program, baited up the Facebook swim again, whack, fish on! Bit of online banter with some aloof groundbait added and wallop, a late night out of the blue text…BONUS!

So as always, I can’t resist an early morning “Good Morning” text, blow me got a couple of replies from ginge which were much more open than those in previous messages…this aloofness is starting to pay off me thinks, just need stay cool now.

Think my favourite moment from yesterday came from my neighbour Sophie, if I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I dated her sister (L) for 6 months. Anyway, Soph mentioned she’d had a text from L asking if she knew why Id blocked her Facebook,  Sophie said she had no idea but made the point it may be for the best. Course it is, you hurt me you dozy mare! From what I can gather L is a little upset that because I have blocked her on Facebook, Sophies post threads no longer make sense and are uneasy to follow. What the absolute Fuck? Are you serious,? It was ok to dump me and start sniffing round other blokes within days, but when it affects your sisters Facebook feed it becomes an issue. Sorry my sweet, me and the world dont work like that, I honestly sat there agog listening to that story last night, you couldnt make it up sometimes!

Last night was spent mainly texting, whilst perusing Ginges Facebook comments, to a lady from South Manchester,  I’ll call her J, great conversation, lots of humour and an exchange of numbers, I reckon it might lead to a date later this week if the conversation keeps up its steady flow.  See but then, this is where they anxiety kicks in, what do I do re Ginge,  do I remain aloof and let her do some more running after me, or do I date J? Or even both but then that leads into trouble, possible deceit and someone getting hurt, usually me in most cases and its not really my style.

You see, what I should do I suppose is just wait it out and see what comes of either, to be fair Ginge is the one I want, stunningly attractive, bit of a looney, but I like that, I dont need another mother do I. J looks a lot of fun and from her Whatsapp photo has a great set of pins on her.

I suppose I will have to just see what the rest of today brings.

So, back to the flower story…

Second blog of the day, really starting to enjoy this now and…someone in Australia has read the last one, how about that!

So back to the stealth ninja early morning flower delivery service. Received a text at 8 the following morning,

“Did you buy me flowers?”

Me?

Yes, had flowers on my doorstep this morning

Really?

Really x

Was it you?

Well, erm might have been.

Well thank you there lovely

No problem, enjoy your day and your flowers, there is a story behind them, I’ll tell you next time you invite me round.

Ok x

Ok? Fucking OK? If you knew what I’d been through with those flowers. I suppose it was nice, but where’s the bloody invite, I thought there may have been a speculative invite for a bit of tonsil tennis by reply, but no, nothing…pffft!

But we are still talking although neither of us have raised the subject, there are some brief texts flying back and to, mainly by my initiation, and a bit of banter in the bar. I’ve spoken to a couple of her friends explaining that I don’t want a girlfriend nor a relationship, just want to be friends, with maybe the odd benefit 😉

Those who struggle, suffer, put up with anxiety aren’t great with time, the mind is too active, impatient, it worries, it whirrs and basically with me it manifests itself into permanently checking Facebook; which incidently she is liking and commenting on most of my postings, so could be something that.

Fuck me, why can’t I just get to talk to her, explain my intentions? She is a most gorgeous creature, a bit of a looney tune at times but then I’m no different, I’m attracted to a good looney.  I understand from what I’ve picked up she’s been through the same relationship shite that I have. I always like to quote “You don’t know man, you weren’t there” When people have the same experiences. I also know that if she’s pushed she’ll run a mile. The anxiety doesn’t help….I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW! Total patience free zone me you know.

Part of me, and you can guess which one, wishes I’d not have been such a gentleman and rattled her over that weekend, don’t know why I didn’t to be fair, talk about having a devil and an angel on your shoulders!

I don’t really know which way to go now, oh hang on, Plenty of Fish, yes let’s talk to some random stranger, yeah cos that’ll really uncomplicate things won’t it! So after sending dozens of “Hi theres” one fucking reply, to be fair she’s nice, but fuck me what a site that is!

Surely if you’re on a dating site, you’re there to find dates, meet equally minded people, socialise. It may as well be Harrods shop window.

Hi my names Sharon, I like this, that, this, that and don’t like anything apart from what I like and if you text me I’ll be rude enough not to reply. I mean WTF?

Now I’m no Tom Cruise but I’m no minger either, so how do you start an online conversation? Same as you do in a bar surely, Hi, not would you like me to tell you my whole fucking life story and impress you with my dazzling intellect whilst you listen intently, mouth agog and getting warm in your nethers! Hey lady, why dont you meet half way, hold a decent two way conversation and build slowly,  after all it is a free dating site, not sugardaddy.com!

Ha, holy fuck, yes, that reminds me. I signed up to another dating site thinking it was a bit more up market, had a look around, liked the layout, easy to complete details, bla de blah, could be on a winner here! So I signed up/paid for a month, more mooching around on the upgraded features, lets look at whos local.

The next 5 minutes combusted in to complete anxiety over load, there was smoke literally blowing out of my ears and in fact pretty much every orrifice belowed smoke akin to the flying scotsman at full bore, my arse litterally dropped out of my pants.

What caused this explosion of panic! I hear you ask…the one and only ex of 18 years, the one who stops my kids from seeing me, stalks my social media and to be fair could single handidly replace the polar ice caps, yes she is that cold!

The woman who swore she would never demean herself on internet sites. To be fair though she did look quite good and set my heart pounding. Shes a nutter and I do sort of miss her,  a bit like toothache mind. You have never seen anyone try and find the unsubscribe button as fast as i did, it must have been some kind of world record, tablet, laptop, phone, all on the go…where is it, where’s the fucking delete button?

I did have a giggle to myself after though, plus a sertraline tablet and a few pints. Trouble is now shes now worked herself a little space in my head which she doesnt deserve.

Any road up thats enough for today, got loads more to go at over the coming days weeks and months.