Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right….here I am stuck in the middle with ME!

Well its been a few months since my last blog, not sure why I stopped, but its time to relight the engine.

So the thing with Ginge didnt get much further, she started seeing another guy from the pub but binned him off after a few weeks, he’ s now doinking some other bird from the pub which has caused major ruptions cos he shagged her best mate first! The thing with J slowed up and ground to a halt as we just couldnt get to meet anytime, as with ginge we still talk so all is not lost. 

So update on the love life? No real love there, a bit of lust and flirtation with a former colleague, who is hot as fuck but has a handfull of kids and exisits in a sexless, loveless relationship. Does that make me a bad man?

I dont think so, everyone needs someone. Theres also an older widow who is very keen, lovely lady, we’ve done the deed, but there are that many nosey fuckers stirring rumours about us that it will just fizzle out as neither of us need the mither…should we be arsed about what others think?

Then theres best friend S (female) who has stupidly got engaged to the worlds dodgiest scouser, which ended up in a cat fight in the pub when the girl, who he apparently has nothing to with text him whilst S had his phone. There’ll be more on this one as it unfolds, but believe me there is no smoke without fire!

So me then, still not seen my kids, my mum has, my brother has, but I havent, eldest has a university offer available if he gets his A level results required and that bitch of an ex K seems to be haunting my dreams, honestly woken me up in cold sweats a few times. Is it right to hate someone as much as I do but still love her at the same time?

Social life, well I dont know, its improving but the core friendship group is crumbling and I find the whole thing over dramatic and under stimulating….its just dull to be fair…same faces, same pub, same, conversation,  same piss take,  smae hangovers.  Ive expanded,  started to play cricket,  so new group of friends, new challenge and new record for consecutive golden ducks whilst batting…still you see that on the telly too.

So I suppose Im just looking after me and me alone, to be honest I am the only one I can rely upon, nobody sticks their neck out for me, yet they expect me to do for them, sorry chaps, not happening, the cup is running on empty. 

So the plan is to move on, keep moving forward, keep improving, make something of myself, make my kids proud of what Ive become and be proud of what I have achieved in a relatively small space of time. 

I should be proud of mysel, all the ticks on the “Fridge of Destiny” have gone on in the last 3 months!

Anyone else have a fridge like this?

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Dear Ginge,

Please get out of my head!

There are so many things I want to say but cant find either the opportunity nor the bottle to just come right out and say it, probably easier to blog it, that may empty some of the noise in my head.

Ive no idea where to start, so I’ll just crack on

Firstly, Im not after a girlfriend nor a relationship, well I dont think so unless it was someone who completely blew me away and swept me off my feet, however that happened before with L and look where that ended up! That said though, I am seriously, seriously attracted to you, not just your looks but just how you are, your work ethic, the way you parent your kids, how you are when you’re playing out and drunk. For me you’re the whole package, BUT, would a relationship between us work? We would certanly look good together! Maybe in time but not at the moment, I think we both have too many scars for either  of us to enter into that. Plus relationships change people, they definitely change me, I become too self concious and lose that sparkle which is a part of my make up, my personality, part of me.

Those nights I spent with you and ghe following afternoon where quite possibly the happiest couple of days Ive had in a long tme. Part of me regrets not having sex with you, but part of me doesnt, I dont see you as a challenge, a trophy, or a notch on the bed post, I see you as you and to be honest when you likened yourself to Snow White the other day, that is probably how I see you. Im quite good at seeing other sides to people,  most in the pub will see you as a good time girl, always a laugh a smile and a joke and you’ve probably been asked out by 80% of the blokes in there, me included.

Thats enough of me banging on about you,  you need to hear where Im coming from, so I dont come across as a text pest or mitherer. As I said Im not after a relationship etc. I think deep down Im looking for more of those nights that we shared, as Ive said I am attracted to you, seriously attracted, to the point where I almost turn in to a jibbering wreck as soon as I see you. Im trying to turn it off but the more I see you the worse it gets, almost to the point of not wanting to see you, if that makes sense, but Im not interested in the “Good time Ginge” I’m interested in the Ginge that not many people know exists.

Ive been through some shit over the last 18 years, K was a sociopathic narcissist,  I was subjected to years of mental and physical domestic abuse and finzlly moved out with 2 bags of clothes, no personal possessions which took me months to get some, not all of them back. She lied to the mediator, lied to the Tax Man leaving me with a £3000 bill and another £1800 tax credits refund, that she’d had but I had to pay back. We had solicitors involved, shes removed my legal responsibility for my youngest lad so I have absolutely no rights over him whatsoever, she refused to let the boys see me on their own and has now poisoned them to the point they dont wish to see me. I mean for fuck sake they pnly live two miles away. They are both of the ages that they can make their own decisions, but when theyre being controlled as I was I can understand what they are being subjected to.

Ive been through absolute hell over the last two years, tears, breakdowns, anxiety, depression, even thought about ending it a few times, desperate lonliness, skint, taken advantage of, being used by people, lied to, you name it, Ive probably been through it in the last few years. Im still here, new job starting next week which means I’ll be busier, mind will be occupied, new challenges, new opportunities and financially stable. The thing I miss most are the kids, for fuck sake whilst she was brown nosing, or whatever else she was doing to her employers  (shower of bastards by the way) I did all the school runs, teas, washing, swimming, ironing,  shopping, cleaning all whilst trying to work aswell as she wanted me to earn more and more money. Then she, she, takes it all away, takes them away. How fucking dare she!

Anyway typed this a week ago and things have moved on for both us it seems. You with C and me with J. Had a bloody good weekend didn’t we with everyone out dancing and drinking and being generally very messy. I think our friendship became closer, but I realise that this is how I kniw want it, goid friends,  no awkwardness, just having the craic, best mates and all that!

Love you Ginge!!! You mad fucker xxx

Why Cant I Wake With You?

So you’re there when i open my eyes.

Well Im back for another post after another alcohol fueled weekend. Some of it I can remember,  other bits are still being uploaded to Facebook for my amusement!

So, those following previous posts will know all about Ginge, fuck me she is gorgeous, but one fucked up individual and Im really struggling to get to see her on her own to explain my intentons. I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend, nor even I suppose a fuck buddy, more a best friend with cuddles and company.

Friday we were both out, plenty of chat, beer, game of pool, then she just pissed off with her mates about 11.45, again another chance gone. As usual…it was drunk text time! I really dont know why I do it to myself but I sent a ” I want to wake up with you” text. She never read it until sometime the following morning and never replied. I gave myself a bit of a bollocking and swore not to do it again…yeah right!

That was Friday,  I staggered home absolutely wankered, managed to get undressed and passed out on the bed waking up Saturday not actually remembering where I was….”Youre at home you massive nob!” I decided, once the hangover had started to clear to go to watch the local football team in their play off final. I’d not been to watch for years as K frowned upon football and if she didn’t like something it meant no one else was allowed to like it either!

The game was good and they won meaning they gain promotion to the next level. I suppose I could class it as another step to getting myself back together again and replacing/re-engaging with things I used to enjoy doing that I was stopped from doing over the years. It was good to do something different too, plus I bumped into a load of lads I used to play there with, a good afternoon all in all. However it wasnt the last of the days unexpected ” Ive not seen you for a bit”

Dropped the car at home afterwards and wandered up to the pub with no real intentions for the evening, just a case of see how it goes, plus I was feeling a bit rough so a hair of the dog was most certainly called for. Sophie came in fresh from the nail salon…”I need a word” Oh for fucks sake, when you get the nod from Sophie its probably akin to being summoned by the headmaster in front of a wholes school assembly!!!

The word was that L had dumped her latest boyfriend and was coming to the pub and wanted to know what my plans were for the evening.  “Well its like this, if shes coming out, Im not!” Woofed my second pint down, arranged to put the boxing on at my house later on and shot off to Bargain Booze for the evenings supplies and then to the Chinese for extra hangover curage. Whilst stood waiting for my order, nonchalantly staring through the window, who runs past but L, her knee has obviously got better then.

Now I dont dislike her, but she hurt me when she ended our relationship, made promises she didnt keep and was then dating within weeks of us splitting up…she called it a distraction tactic to take her mind off me….what a load of bollocks. Being honest my heart jumped a bit as I turned away to avoid any eye contact. Blow me just as my order hits the counter and Im about to leave the shop, she runs back past again, no fucking idea why, as its a circuit from her house. This time couldn’t avoid eye contact but I did move very slowly from the shop to allow her enough time to run far enough in front. Like I  say i dont really dislike her,  just dont want to see her.

I got home, in a much straighter line than the night before and chilled for the night, got the boxing on and waited for Dave and Sophie to arrive for the main event. Sophle turned up, totall wankered and Dave a few minutes later. Soon as Sophie sat down, her phone was going off..it was L with a couple of others, “Come back to the pub” This went on for quite a while, in the end she turned her phone off as it was getting ridculous.

We watched the fight and stayed up til the early hours putting the world to rights in our own way, we managed to get Sophie up and out of the door and I cimbed into  bed…BING…phone went off, I thought, oh that’ll be Sophie, to my total suprise and delight it wasn’t…it was Ginge!

Very unexpected indeed, asking if I was ok, said she’d only just read last nights text…..strange that as it was showing as read Saturday morning. I suppose I should find hope in the fact that at that time of night she was thinking of me and actually text me first rather than vice versa. A brief chat ensued, from what I’m picking up she has serious low self esteem issues and forms a very low opinion of herself. I tried to convince her that she was none of those things she said she was, she is definitely not a “Total twat bitch face” as she described herself. I retorted that she is a “Bloody good mum, damn hard worker, great personality, look fucking stunning and play hard, I mean whats wrong with any of that?” Anyway she nodded off after a few more texts.
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I really should give up on it, but every time I back off, she comes forward, I just want her to understand that I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend. Its obvious I cant talk to her in the pub as thats her place of work and play and she closes up, then I just clam up and cant come up with any meaningful conversation. I am literally lost for words she is that stunning in my eyes. I just want to get her on her own and explain, its doing my head in and anxiety is back up….FFS! I just need to switch her off in my head!