The Return of the Ginge!!!

So, as of last week, I’d not posted for a while and in my returning post I had said that my little thing with the most gorgeous Ginge was no longer a viable love avenue, famous last words!!!

Nipped out early doors last Thursday, just for one as you do, got in bladdered at 11.30. It had been a great night, all the faces were in the pub and it was one of those nights where everyone just enjoyed each others company, Pool, beer, wine, women and song…and Ginge.

Since our last encounter, we have become good friends, always share hug and a kiss on the cheek when we meet and shes confided in me as to things which are troubling her and causing her much anxiety. As always I’m strictly confidential and very supportive,  offering financial and emotional support but never heavy and pushing my feelings on her. 

Anyway, I wobbled through my door late on Thursday only to get a text from her telling me she was home ok after I had previously text to ask if she was. Next I get a text asking … Cuddles? Followed by…Nothing more…Well whats a man to do? Tell you what…I stopped eating the Bolognaise sauce straight out of the slow cooker, I’d put it in earlier with a view to having a quiet night with a decent meal, threw a t shirt on and wobbled back off up the road to her house where I found the front door slightly ajar awaiting my arrival. Ginge was in bed, slightly worse for wear.

So politely I asked to get in, fought with the multiple layers of bedding (why cant people just have duvets?) and snuggled in recieving a huge hug in return. My heart melted, the butterflies circled my stomach like dragons, I was happy, I was content, I was in the place I most want to be in the whole world. We talked, neither of us want a relationship, both of us have issues with trusting others and cant remove the barriers to letting someone else into our hearts. 

The night drifted in to early morning, still we talked, we spooned, I traced her bare back with my finger tips, ever so slightly, teasingly along her spine to the nape of her neck across her shoulders, my fingers ran delicately through her hair and as we spooned I kissed her neck and shoulders, seductively but not sexually. She moaned lightly and squirmed and passed comment that I did everything she loved, we kissed, again not sexually nor with the intent for it to progress further. It was just so right, just so perfect, just what I want, what I need, what I yearn for.

We drifted to sleep with our bodies till entwined until the alarm call sounded, we stirred and held each other tighter, her leg draped over mine, her face snug to my neck. Oh how I wish I could wake every day like that,  it makes my heart burn just typing this, it is so what I want, she is so what I want.

I left for work, leaving her with a tender kiss and a spring in my step as I joyfully took to the “walk of shame” No shame in it for me and I hope no regrets from her. We saw each other the following day, nothing was said, just pleasantries as she drank her Rose wine at the bar dressed to the nines in a dress before going to a wedding function. I couldnt take my eyes off her, she glowed, radiant with copper red hair, deep red lip gloss that shimmered invitingly for me to kiss, heels that elongated her legs allowing her to strike a demure posture, jewellery on her wrists that dangled to her hands, those hands which I long to hold,  long to have in mine.

I thought back to our conversations of the night before, how we spoke of our fondness of each other and the potential, not of a relationship, but of friends with benefits,  my offer to take her out and spoil her, not make a fuss, but let her enjoy a night that she deserves for being a fantastic mum, a hard worker and a truly beautiful lady. Ive said before in other posts of how hard I find it to talk to her about this in depth,  she just takes my breath away, I have no words that can make this happen.

I listen to this song, over and over and over…its her, it is, she is my Perfect Storm.

https://youtu.be/inAj-sbwP7I

The Tunnel of Love

Strange one the Tunnel of Love, the Fun Boy Three song just sparked my imagination. So answers on a postcard to the following questions.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

If there is, why?

Should a tunnel of love not be lit with with soft romantic mood lighting?

Is there an end to the tunnel of love? Surely the end of one would signify the end of a relationship?

If you do see light at the end should you rush towards it or rush away?

Quite amazing what your mind can concoct on a wet Thursday afternoon.

Quite Possibly the Best Song Lyrics on my Playlist!

Here’s another Sunday morning call

Yer hear yer head-a-banging on the door
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
Into a day that couldn’t give you more
But what for?

And in your head do you feel
What you’re not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you won’t get it for free
You need more time
’cause your thoughts and words won’t last forever more
But I’m not sure if it ever works out right
But it’s ok. It’s all right

When yer lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price?

Songwriters: Noel Gallagher

Sunday Morning Call lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Dear Ginge,

Please get out of my head!

There are so many things I want to say but cant find either the opportunity nor the bottle to just come right out and say it, probably easier to blog it, that may empty some of the noise in my head.

Ive no idea where to start, so I’ll just crack on

Firstly, Im not after a girlfriend nor a relationship, well I dont think so unless it was someone who completely blew me away and swept me off my feet, however that happened before with L and look where that ended up! That said though, I am seriously, seriously attracted to you, not just your looks but just how you are, your work ethic, the way you parent your kids, how you are when you’re playing out and drunk. For me you’re the whole package, BUT, would a relationship between us work? We would certanly look good together! Maybe in time but not at the moment, I think we both have too many scars for either  of us to enter into that. Plus relationships change people, they definitely change me, I become too self concious and lose that sparkle which is a part of my make up, my personality, part of me.

Those nights I spent with you and ghe following afternoon where quite possibly the happiest couple of days Ive had in a long tme. Part of me regrets not having sex with you, but part of me doesnt, I dont see you as a challenge, a trophy, or a notch on the bed post, I see you as you and to be honest when you likened yourself to Snow White the other day, that is probably how I see you. Im quite good at seeing other sides to people,  most in the pub will see you as a good time girl, always a laugh a smile and a joke and you’ve probably been asked out by 80% of the blokes in there, me included.

Thats enough of me banging on about you,  you need to hear where Im coming from, so I dont come across as a text pest or mitherer. As I said Im not after a relationship etc. I think deep down Im looking for more of those nights that we shared, as Ive said I am attracted to you, seriously attracted, to the point where I almost turn in to a jibbering wreck as soon as I see you. Im trying to turn it off but the more I see you the worse it gets, almost to the point of not wanting to see you, if that makes sense, but Im not interested in the “Good time Ginge” I’m interested in the Ginge that not many people know exists.

Ive been through some shit over the last 18 years, K was a sociopathic narcissist,  I was subjected to years of mental and physical domestic abuse and finzlly moved out with 2 bags of clothes, no personal possessions which took me months to get some, not all of them back. She lied to the mediator, lied to the Tax Man leaving me with a £3000 bill and another £1800 tax credits refund, that she’d had but I had to pay back. We had solicitors involved, shes removed my legal responsibility for my youngest lad so I have absolutely no rights over him whatsoever, she refused to let the boys see me on their own and has now poisoned them to the point they dont wish to see me. I mean for fuck sake they pnly live two miles away. They are both of the ages that they can make their own decisions, but when theyre being controlled as I was I can understand what they are being subjected to.

Ive been through absolute hell over the last two years, tears, breakdowns, anxiety, depression, even thought about ending it a few times, desperate lonliness, skint, taken advantage of, being used by people, lied to, you name it, Ive probably been through it in the last few years. Im still here, new job starting next week which means I’ll be busier, mind will be occupied, new challenges, new opportunities and financially stable. The thing I miss most are the kids, for fuck sake whilst she was brown nosing, or whatever else she was doing to her employers  (shower of bastards by the way) I did all the school runs, teas, washing, swimming, ironing,  shopping, cleaning all whilst trying to work aswell as she wanted me to earn more and more money. Then she, she, takes it all away, takes them away. How fucking dare she!

Anyway typed this a week ago and things have moved on for both us it seems. You with C and me with J. Had a bloody good weekend didn’t we with everyone out dancing and drinking and being generally very messy. I think our friendship became closer, but I realise that this is how I kniw want it, goid friends,  no awkwardness, just having the craic, best mates and all that!

Love you Ginge!!! You mad fucker xxx

Why Cant I Wake With You?

So you’re there when i open my eyes.

Well Im back for another post after another alcohol fueled weekend. Some of it I can remember,  other bits are still being uploaded to Facebook for my amusement!

So, those following previous posts will know all about Ginge, fuck me she is gorgeous, but one fucked up individual and Im really struggling to get to see her on her own to explain my intentons. I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend, nor even I suppose a fuck buddy, more a best friend with cuddles and company.

Friday we were both out, plenty of chat, beer, game of pool, then she just pissed off with her mates about 11.45, again another chance gone. As usual…it was drunk text time! I really dont know why I do it to myself but I sent a ” I want to wake up with you” text. She never read it until sometime the following morning and never replied. I gave myself a bit of a bollocking and swore not to do it again…yeah right!

That was Friday,  I staggered home absolutely wankered, managed to get undressed and passed out on the bed waking up Saturday not actually remembering where I was….”Youre at home you massive nob!” I decided, once the hangover had started to clear to go to watch the local football team in their play off final. I’d not been to watch for years as K frowned upon football and if she didn’t like something it meant no one else was allowed to like it either!

The game was good and they won meaning they gain promotion to the next level. I suppose I could class it as another step to getting myself back together again and replacing/re-engaging with things I used to enjoy doing that I was stopped from doing over the years. It was good to do something different too, plus I bumped into a load of lads I used to play there with, a good afternoon all in all. However it wasnt the last of the days unexpected ” Ive not seen you for a bit”

Dropped the car at home afterwards and wandered up to the pub with no real intentions for the evening, just a case of see how it goes, plus I was feeling a bit rough so a hair of the dog was most certainly called for. Sophie came in fresh from the nail salon…”I need a word” Oh for fucks sake, when you get the nod from Sophie its probably akin to being summoned by the headmaster in front of a wholes school assembly!!!

The word was that L had dumped her latest boyfriend and was coming to the pub and wanted to know what my plans were for the evening.  “Well its like this, if shes coming out, Im not!” Woofed my second pint down, arranged to put the boxing on at my house later on and shot off to Bargain Booze for the evenings supplies and then to the Chinese for extra hangover curage. Whilst stood waiting for my order, nonchalantly staring through the window, who runs past but L, her knee has obviously got better then.

Now I dont dislike her, but she hurt me when she ended our relationship, made promises she didnt keep and was then dating within weeks of us splitting up…she called it a distraction tactic to take her mind off me….what a load of bollocks. Being honest my heart jumped a bit as I turned away to avoid any eye contact. Blow me just as my order hits the counter and Im about to leave the shop, she runs back past again, no fucking idea why, as its a circuit from her house. This time couldn’t avoid eye contact but I did move very slowly from the shop to allow her enough time to run far enough in front. Like I  say i dont really dislike her,  just dont want to see her.

I got home, in a much straighter line than the night before and chilled for the night, got the boxing on and waited for Dave and Sophie to arrive for the main event. Sophle turned up, totall wankered and Dave a few minutes later. Soon as Sophie sat down, her phone was going off..it was L with a couple of others, “Come back to the pub” This went on for quite a while, in the end she turned her phone off as it was getting ridculous.

We watched the fight and stayed up til the early hours putting the world to rights in our own way, we managed to get Sophie up and out of the door and I cimbed into  bed…BING…phone went off, I thought, oh that’ll be Sophie, to my total suprise and delight it wasn’t…it was Ginge!

Very unexpected indeed, asking if I was ok, said she’d only just read last nights text…..strange that as it was showing as read Saturday morning. I suppose I should find hope in the fact that at that time of night she was thinking of me and actually text me first rather than vice versa. A brief chat ensued, from what I’m picking up she has serious low self esteem issues and forms a very low opinion of herself. I tried to convince her that she was none of those things she said she was, she is definitely not a “Total twat bitch face” as she described herself. I retorted that she is a “Bloody good mum, damn hard worker, great personality, look fucking stunning and play hard, I mean whats wrong with any of that?” Anyway she nodded off after a few more texts.
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I really should give up on it, but every time I back off, she comes forward, I just want her to understand that I dont want a relationship, nor a girlfriend. Its obvious I cant talk to her in the pub as thats her place of work and play and she closes up, then I just clam up and cant come up with any meaningful conversation. I am literally lost for words she is that stunning in my eyes. I just want to get her on her own and explain, its doing my head in and anxiety is back up….FFS! I just need to switch her off in my head!

“Aloof” He Cried!

Well day 3, post number 4 and more likes and followers, thanks guys!

Developments from yesterday,  include a shit load of facebook comments from Ginge and a late night text followed by two today! My aloofness must be working, but to be honest I did go Facebook fishing last night. For those unfamiliar with FB fishing,  its basically throwing some bait in the pond and waiting for a bite. Simply put, whack a post on that you will hopefully have seen by your intended prey, when they reply, its time to strike and hopefully land a good un!

So last night I whacked a post on about the new series of Prison Break knowing that Ginge is a big fan, wasnt long before the bite alarms went off and whack, fish on! Then there were lots of comments about the Little Boy Blue program, baited up the Facebook swim again, whack, fish on! Bit of online banter with some aloof groundbait added and wallop, a late night out of the blue text…BONUS!

So as always, I can’t resist an early morning “Good Morning” text, blow me got a couple of replies from ginge which were much more open than those in previous messages…this aloofness is starting to pay off me thinks, just need stay cool now.

Think my favourite moment from yesterday came from my neighbour Sophie, if I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I dated her sister (L) for 6 months. Anyway, Soph mentioned she’d had a text from L asking if she knew why Id blocked her Facebook,  Sophie said she had no idea but made the point it may be for the best. Course it is, you hurt me you dozy mare! From what I can gather L is a little upset that because I have blocked her on Facebook, Sophies post threads no longer make sense and are uneasy to follow. What the absolute Fuck? Are you serious,? It was ok to dump me and start sniffing round other blokes within days, but when it affects your sisters Facebook feed it becomes an issue. Sorry my sweet, me and the world dont work like that, I honestly sat there agog listening to that story last night, you couldnt make it up sometimes!

Last night was spent mainly texting, whilst perusing Ginges Facebook comments, to a lady from South Manchester,  I’ll call her J, great conversation, lots of humour and an exchange of numbers, I reckon it might lead to a date later this week if the conversation keeps up its steady flow.  See but then, this is where they anxiety kicks in, what do I do re Ginge,  do I remain aloof and let her do some more running after me, or do I date J? Or even both but then that leads into trouble, possible deceit and someone getting hurt, usually me in most cases and its not really my style.

You see, what I should do I suppose is just wait it out and see what comes of either, to be fair Ginge is the one I want, stunningly attractive, bit of a looney, but I like that, I dont need another mother do I. J looks a lot of fun and from her Whatsapp photo has a great set of pins on her.

I suppose I will have to just see what the rest of today brings.

So, back to the flower story…

Second blog of the day, really starting to enjoy this now and…someone in Australia has read the last one, how about that!

So back to the stealth ninja early morning flower delivery service. Received a text at 8 the following morning,

“Did you buy me flowers?”

Me?

Yes, had flowers on my doorstep this morning

Really?

Really x

Was it you?

Well, erm might have been.

Well thank you there lovely

No problem, enjoy your day and your flowers, there is a story behind them, I’ll tell you next time you invite me round.

Ok x

Ok? Fucking OK? If you knew what I’d been through with those flowers. I suppose it was nice, but where’s the bloody invite, I thought there may have been a speculative invite for a bit of tonsil tennis by reply, but no, nothing…pffft!

But we are still talking although neither of us have raised the subject, there are some brief texts flying back and to, mainly by my initiation, and a bit of banter in the bar. I’ve spoken to a couple of her friends explaining that I don’t want a girlfriend nor a relationship, just want to be friends, with maybe the odd benefit 😉

Those who struggle, suffer, put up with anxiety aren’t great with time, the mind is too active, impatient, it worries, it whirrs and basically with me it manifests itself into permanently checking Facebook; which incidently she is liking and commenting on most of my postings, so could be something that.

Fuck me, why can’t I just get to talk to her, explain my intentions? She is a most gorgeous creature, a bit of a looney tune at times but then I’m no different, I’m attracted to a good looney.  I understand from what I’ve picked up she’s been through the same relationship shite that I have. I always like to quote “You don’t know man, you weren’t there” When people have the same experiences. I also know that if she’s pushed she’ll run a mile. The anxiety doesn’t help….I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW! Total patience free zone me you know.

Part of me, and you can guess which one, wishes I’d not have been such a gentleman and rattled her over that weekend, don’t know why I didn’t to be fair, talk about having a devil and an angel on your shoulders!

I don’t really know which way to go now, oh hang on, Plenty of Fish, yes let’s talk to some random stranger, yeah cos that’ll really uncomplicate things won’t it! So after sending dozens of “Hi theres” one fucking reply, to be fair she’s nice, but fuck me what a site that is!

Surely if you’re on a dating site, you’re there to find dates, meet equally minded people, socialise. It may as well be Harrods shop window.

Hi my names Sharon, I like this, that, this, that and don’t like anything apart from what I like and if you text me I’ll be rude enough not to reply. I mean WTF?

Now I’m no Tom Cruise but I’m no minger either, so how do you start an online conversation? Same as you do in a bar surely, Hi, not would you like me to tell you my whole fucking life story and impress you with my dazzling intellect whilst you listen intently, mouth agog and getting warm in your nethers! Hey lady, why dont you meet half way, hold a decent two way conversation and build slowly,  after all it is a free dating site, not sugardaddy.com!

Ha, holy fuck, yes, that reminds me. I signed up to another dating site thinking it was a bit more up market, had a look around, liked the layout, easy to complete details, bla de blah, could be on a winner here! So I signed up/paid for a month, more mooching around on the upgraded features, lets look at whos local.

The next 5 minutes combusted in to complete anxiety over load, there was smoke literally blowing out of my ears and in fact pretty much every orrifice belowed smoke akin to the flying scotsman at full bore, my arse litterally dropped out of my pants.

What caused this explosion of panic! I hear you ask…the one and only ex of 18 years, the one who stops my kids from seeing me, stalks my social media and to be fair could single handidly replace the polar ice caps, yes she is that cold!

The woman who swore she would never demean herself on internet sites. To be fair though she did look quite good and set my heart pounding. Shes a nutter and I do sort of miss her,  a bit like toothache mind. You have never seen anyone try and find the unsubscribe button as fast as i did, it must have been some kind of world record, tablet, laptop, phone, all on the go…where is it, where’s the fucking delete button?

I did have a giggle to myself after though, plus a sertraline tablet and a few pints. Trouble is now shes now worked herself a little space in my head which she doesnt deserve.

Any road up thats enough for today, got loads more to go at over the coming days weeks and months.