Please get out of my head!
There are so many things I want to say but cant find either the opportunity nor the bottle to just come right out and say it, probably easier to blog it, that may empty some of the noise in my head.
Ive no idea where to start, so I’ll just crack on
Firstly, Im not after a girlfriend nor a relationship, well I dont think so unless it was someone who completely blew me away and swept me off my feet, however that happened before with L and look where that ended up! That said though, I am seriously, seriously attracted to you, not just your looks but just how you are, your work ethic, the way you parent your kids, how you are when you’re playing out and drunk. For me you’re the whole package, BUT, would a relationship between us work? We would certanly look good together! Maybe in time but not at the moment, I think we both have too many scars for either of us to enter into that. Plus relationships change people, they definitely change me, I become too self concious and lose that sparkle which is a part of my make up, my personality, part of me.
Those nights I spent with you and ghe following afternoon where quite possibly the happiest couple of days Ive had in a long tme. Part of me regrets not having sex with you, but part of me doesnt, I dont see you as a challenge, a trophy, or a notch on the bed post, I see you as you and to be honest when you likened yourself to Snow White the other day, that is probably how I see you. Im quite good at seeing other sides to people, most in the pub will see you as a good time girl, always a laugh a smile and a joke and you’ve probably been asked out by 80% of the blokes in there, me included.
Thats enough of me banging on about you, you need to hear where Im coming from, so I dont come across as a text pest or mitherer. As I said Im not after a relationship etc. I think deep down Im looking for more of those nights that we shared, as Ive said I am attracted to you, seriously attracted, to the point where I almost turn in to a jibbering wreck as soon as I see you. Im trying to turn it off but the more I see you the worse it gets, almost to the point of not wanting to see you, if that makes sense, but Im not interested in the “Good time Ginge” I’m interested in the Ginge that not many people know exists.
Ive been through some shit over the last 18 years, K was a sociopathic narcissist, I was subjected to years of mental and physical domestic abuse and finzlly moved out with 2 bags of clothes, no personal possessions which took me months to get some, not all of them back. She lied to the mediator, lied to the Tax Man leaving me with a £3000 bill and another £1800 tax credits refund, that she’d had but I had to pay back. We had solicitors involved, shes removed my legal responsibility for my youngest lad so I have absolutely no rights over him whatsoever, she refused to let the boys see me on their own and has now poisoned them to the point they dont wish to see me. I mean for fuck sake they pnly live two miles away. They are both of the ages that they can make their own decisions, but when theyre being controlled as I was I can understand what they are being subjected to.
Ive been through absolute hell over the last two years, tears, breakdowns, anxiety, depression, even thought about ending it a few times, desperate lonliness, skint, taken advantage of, being used by people, lied to, you name it, Ive probably been through it in the last few years. Im still here, new job starting next week which means I’ll be busier, mind will be occupied, new challenges, new opportunities and financially stable. The thing I miss most are the kids, for fuck sake whilst she was brown nosing, or whatever else she was doing to her employers (shower of bastards by the way) I did all the school runs, teas, washing, swimming, ironing, shopping, cleaning all whilst trying to work aswell as she wanted me to earn more and more money. Then she, she, takes it all away, takes them away. How fucking dare she!
Anyway typed this a week ago and things have moved on for both us it seems. You with C and me with J. Had a bloody good weekend didn’t we with everyone out dancing and drinking and being generally very messy. I think our friendship became closer, but I realise that this is how I kniw want it, goid friends, no awkwardness, just having the craic, best mates and all that!
Love you Ginge!!! You mad fucker xxx